Nothing really prepares you for the day when you sit across from your aging parents and try to piece together a financial picture they’ve probably kept secret for a lifetime. For many adult children, this conversation often comes too late, triggered by a diagnosis that changes everything.
Mine came when we learned that my 86-year-old father had dementia and I lived 200 miles from my parents. I am an only child. And I had no idea if they had enough money to pay for home health and memory care.
I knew that my father had a pension, that he and my mother received Social Security, and that they had generous health insurance. I didn’t know anything else.
Finally, my mother revealed something big: she had managed to put away half a million dollars. In 1998, when my parents sold their Long Island home and moved to an over-55 community in New Jersey, they realized their tax bill had plummeted. She opened a money market account and saved the difference every month.
Your financial discipline blew me away. I stopped worrying about paying for their care and began planning for them to move into a senior living community a mile from my home. But I skipped the most important step. Instead of asking my mother what she wanted, I told her what she needed. This error ended our conversation.
Experts who work with aging parents and their adult children say this is one of children’s most common mistakes: They view their parents’ crisis as a problem to be solved.
“Lead with love, not logistics,” said Jessica Smith, co-founder and advisor at Vitality Wealth in Boise, Idaho. Before diving into paperwork and bank accounts, ask your parents what they want and how you can support them, she said.
Here are five ways adult children can prepare to help manage their parents’ finances, regardless of how much the parents may have saved.
Parents are often hesitant to talk to their adult children about their finances, but that’s not always due to mistrust or secrecy, said Ashley Quamme, a financial therapist and founder of Beyond the Plan in Augusta, Georgia. “The underlying thought is often: ‘If I admit that I need help, then I am admitting that I refuse.'”
Still, it’s important to start these conversations before a crisis occurs, especially if you notice a change in a parent’s health. “I’ve seen too many families try to implement this when it’s too late, and it becomes much more difficult and expensive to adequately represent their loved ones,” said Ben Smith, the founder of Cove Financial Planning in Wayzata, Minnesota.
“Having this conversation can be challenging, and often the responsibility falls on adult children to expand the discussion,” said Cathleen Tobin, owner of Moonbridge Financial Design in Rhinebeck, NY
Ms. Tobin, 53, and her 92-year-old father, Ed Tobin, began discussing his finances about eight years ago after a national retailer reported a major breach of customer data. Ms. Tobin used the news as an opportunity to ask her father if he had a credit freeze and offered to show him how to get one.
“Supporting your parents in small ways builds trust and normalizes your involvement,” she said.
Their conversations deepened in 2021 after Mr. Tobin fell for an online financial scam. After that incident, he agreed to share his account passwords with her so they could both watch out for any unusual transactions.
The way you help will gradually increase, Ms. Smith said. At first, your parents may continue to manage their own finances while you visit occasionally. “If you notice that they are becoming increasingly difficult to get along with, suggest working through their finances together,” she said. If it becomes frustrating for them to manage things themselves, offer to take over the task while giving them control by saying, “I’ll take care of you and report back to you.”
2. Understand your budget
Once your parents are open to talking, find out where they bank and how they pay their bills. Don’t be surprised if they still receive paper statements and pay bills by check, said Dinon Hughes, partner at Nvest Financial in Portsmouth, New Hampshire
Print out the last 12 months of bank statements and credit card statements to see how much money is coming in, how much is being spent and which bills are being paid monthly, quarterly or annually, Ms. Tobin said. Find out if your parents are still receiving paper pension and Social Security checks or if the funds are being deposited directly.
As you look into your parents’ affairs, you may find that they need financial help. “If that is the case and you can afford to pay some bills, it is important to decide how you will contribute,” Ms Smith said. Set a monthly maximum and be clear about what you’ll pay for – perhaps just essentials like groceries, prescriptions and medical co-pays.
“Don’t lose sight of your own financial goals,” Mr. Smith said. “You don’t want to jeopardize your own retirement.”
3. Get account access
If your parents are finding it more difficult to manage their finances, ask to become an authorized user of their accounts. This allows you to deposit, withdraw and transfer funds. pay bills; and create a unique user ID and password to manage their accounts, Ms. Smith said. However, when your parents die, the accounts pass to either the listed beneficiary or heir named in the will, or may enter a court-supervised legal status called probate. (This may take many months.)
Adult children often push their parents to add them as co-owners on every possible account – bank accounts, utility bills, credit cards and sometimes even their investment accounts and mortgages – but this has serious consequences, Mr Hughes warned. He recommends becoming an authorized user and not a co-owner because once you are added to these accounts, they legally become your property. That means your creditors or anyone suing you can access those assets, Mr. Hughes said.
Acquiring a joint account holder may have tax consequences. If your parents’ account is worth more than $19,000, which meets the annual gift exclusion set by the Internal Revenue Service, your parents must file a gift tax return, Mr. Smith said.
4. Ask for a durable power of attorney
A durable power of attorney is a legal document that authorizes a trusted person to make financial and health care decisions on your behalf if you are alive but incapacitated. Most people are familiar with a health care power of attorney (POA) because it is often created when a will is created. However, many people don’t realize that a health care power of attorney doesn’t allow you to make financial decisions for someone else, Mr. Smith said. To do this, you need a durable power of attorney.
A 2025 Fidelity study on family and finances found that only 41 percent of parents expect their children to receive financial power of attorney. Most spouses refer to each other as POA and do not name a surrogate, Mr. Hughes said. He strongly recommends naming at least two people as POA because if only one person is named and that person dies, that document will be invalid. In this case, the original document would need to be updated, signed and notarized. And if you’re incapacitated, the courts may have to step in to appoint a guardian – which could cost time and money, he said.
If your parents do not allow you to invoke the durable power of attorney, their attorney can retain the physical document until its use becomes necessary, Ms. Tobin said.
5. Check that wills and beneficiaries are current
The Fidelity study found that only 70 percent of parents have confidence in their will and estate plan. “Your parents may have created a plan a decade ago and are no longer sure it’s the right plan because of new spouses and grandchildren,” said Ryan Viktorin, a certified financial planner and financial advisor at Fidelity Investments.
Even if parents have a will, it is important that they provide for each account, such as: Some accounts, such as 401(k)s and brokerage accounts, name a beneficiary, Ms. Smith said. Otherwise, the account will be inherited and the family will not be able to use that money to pay debts or funeral expenses for six to 18 months, she said. Reassure your parents that you don’t need to know who is listed as a beneficiary, she said, just that the beneficiaries are named.
It can be uncomfortable being your parents’ money manager, Ms. Quamme said. “You may be grieving your parent’s changing role, or you may be worried you’re making a mistake,” she said. “I think it can be helpful for parents to remind ourselves and our parents, ‘I’m still your daughter, I’m just helping with this part right now’.”
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When my parents were in their early 80s, I began asking my mother to consider sharing her financial information with me. Not immediately, but one day. I asked gently for months and eventually she told me her budget and passwords. I’d love to hear about readers’ experiences. Do you have any advice for others?