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A few years ago, I was involved in a professional conflict that consumed all of my energy, focus, and time. I worked with a colleague who I had known for years. It was an important project for me and part of it became a point of contention between us. I firmly believed that my approach was the right one and I was determined to see it through. My colleague disagreed and said her approach was more robust than mine.
The more I pushed, the more resistance I encountered. Our meetings became more tense, the emails we exchanged seemed to become more acrimonious, and the project's progress slowed to a crawl. It was no longer just about the project; It felt like a personal battle that I had to win. I was convinced that if I didn't fight for it, the entire project would fail and I would wonder what could have happened.
However, as the weeks dragged on, I realized that this battle was taking a heavy toll on both the project and me personally. My stress levels skyrocketed, my relationship with my colleague deteriorated, and the project we were so excited about became a source of anxiety. The breaking point came when I confided (okay, complained) to a trusted friend who asked, “Is this fight worth it?” What are you trying to gain here?”
This question hit me like a blow. I was so focused on winning the fight that I lost sight of the bigger picture. Ultimately, I had to take a step back, reevaluate, and make the difficult decision to abandon my stance for the good of the project and my relationship with my colleague. It wasn't easy, but it was the right decision.
This experience taught me a crucial lesson about leadership: not every battle is worth fighting. As leaders, we must learn to choose our battles wisely and know when to move forward and when to let go.
Here’s how I approached this delicate balancing act.
1. Assess the impact on the big picture
One of the most important considerations when deciding whether to fight or give up a fight is understanding the impact on the bigger picture. Will winning this battle benefit the project, team or company in the long run or is it more about personal pride?
Leaders who consistently focus on the big picture rather than getting lost in small details appear to be more likely to successfully overcome complex challenges. I have watched other leaders resign gracefully, even when I knew they believed they were right in the situation. It's important to stop and assess whether the battle you're fighting aligns with the overall goals and vision of the project.
Related: 3 Signs Your Pride is Getting in the Way of Your Success
2. Evaluate the possible cost of the battle
Every struggle comes with a cost – time, energy, relationships or resources. Before engaging in a conflict or disagreement, it is important to weigh these costs against the potential benefits. In my case, the price was the deterioration of a long-standing relationship with my colleague and the stagnation of project progress.
Research from the University of California (its various studies on conflict and leadership) has found that leaders who weigh the costs of conflict before engaging in one are more effective at maintaining a cohesive team and driving long-term success. This means that you should consider the immediate consequences and the long-term consequences of a battle.
3. Determine what it's really about
It's easy to get caught up in the heat of the moment and lose sight of what's really at stake. Is this battle over a critical issue that will have a significant impact on the success of the project or company, or is it more about your ego and proving that your point of view is correct?
In my experience, many unpleasant situations that seem important now are driven by personal pride rather than business necessity. By stripping away the emotional layers, you can focus on what matters. I have found that I am more successful at conflict resolution and decision making when I focus on objective outcomes rather than emotional satisfaction.
4. Recognize when to let go for the greater good
Sometimes the best decision a leader can make is to let go. This doesn't mean giving up; It means recognizing that your energy and resources could be better spent elsewhere. Letting go can be an incredibly difficult decision, especially if you've invested a lot of time and effort into a particular project, but it can also be the most strategic move.
Ultimately, letting go allowed me to refocus on the larger goals of the project and rebuild the strained relationship. When you let go when necessary, you are more adaptable and better equipped to lead – a key characteristic of successful leadership.
Related: Conflict is inevitable but necessary. Here's how to stay calm during an argument and rebuild afterward.
5. Learn from battle
Whether you're fighting a battle or letting it go, there's always something to learn. It's important to reflect on the experience, understand what worked and what didn't, and apply those learnings to future decisions. Every battle, whether won or lost, is an opportunity for growth and learning.
An article from the Center for Creative Leadership states that leaders who regularly reflect on their decisions and learn from their experiences are more resilient and effective in their roles. This reflective practice helps you make better decisions in the future. It also allows you to look at things differently – ensuring you're not just fighting battles, but choosing the right ones.
As I look back on that challenging time when I clashed with my colleague, I realize that learning how to choose my battles was a valuable lesson in my leadership journey. It's easy to get lost in the details and fight for every inch while losing sight of the bigger goals. However, authentic leadership is about making strategic decisions that benefit the team and the project.
As leaders, we need to take a step back, clearly assess the situation, and decide when to move forward and when to let go. This is not about avoiding conflict or giving in; It's about being smart and strategic and focusing on what's important. By choosing our battles wisely, we can lead more effectively, build stronger relationships, and achieve greater success.
Ultimately, the battles we fight – and the ones we drop – define us as leaders. It is in these crucial moments that we demonstrate our true leadership abilities.