When Rebekah Carver decided to separate from her husband in 2023, she had one goal in mind.
“The goal of the award was stability for my three children,” said Ms. Carver, 51. “I wanted to be respectful because of course the divorce would cause disruption, but I wanted to maintain some form of continuity.”
Ms. Carver, an associate real estate agent with Douglas Elliman Real Estate, said it took her a long time to figure out what to do with her single-family home in the Ditmas Park neighborhood of Brooklyn.
“I usually make decisions very quickly, but in this case I just couldn’t,” she said. “There were too many other things going on.”
Ultimately, Ms. Carver and her former husband decided to engage in nesting, sometimes called bird nesting, in which the children live in the family home full-time while the parents take turns coming in and out. Couples who choose this arrangement say it provides a buffer for children during a troubled time.
However, there are many financial and logistical considerations, and many experts recommend considering nesting as a temporary solution for couples who share custody of their children.
Understand the budget
For most couples, their home and retirement accounts are their largest assets, said Barbara Shegog, certified divorce financial analyst and principal at BAS Capital Management. As couples begin to separate their lives, including dividing finances, they must decide whether they can afford to keep those assets to nest. Will they rent a second apartment to share when they are not on parental duty? Will the mortgage on the single-family home continue to be repaid as before? Who pays for the repairs? How do you decide who fills the fridge or mows the lawn?
“This is certainly not an arrangement I recommend for couples who don’t communicate well,” Ms. Shegog said. “Starting over is very difficult. You need to understand what you can afford and what you can’t afford before making any decisions.”
Mitzi Campbell, who started nesting in 2008, initially worried she wouldn’t be able to afford it because her husband was the primary breadwinner.
But she did a cost-benefit analysis and concluded that she could pay half the rent and utilities for a small two-bedroom cottage near her family home in Newton, New Jersey, which she would share with her former husband during parental leave. The former couple spent about $30,000 a year for their three children to live in their five-bedroom family home.
“I committed to this budget and felt good about it,” Ms. Campbell, 59, said.
However, as the months went by, the pair discovered that they weren’t using the cottage as much as they had thought, as they spent more time with friends and family on their weekends off.
“We were now locked into a lease and I had to ask myself if I wanted to spend money like that,” she said.
Weigh the pros and cons
While many nesting couples agree that the arrangement creates time and space to make big decisions when emotions are running high, the second home where one parent stays during their free time is often a downgrade from the family home.
Norm Elrod, who is currently brooding in Jackson Heights, Queens, said the one-bedroom apartment he and his soon-to-be-ex share on their days off is decidedly shabbier than their renovated four-bedroom co-op apartment.
“You notice the co-op supervisor spends more time cleaning the building,” said Mr. Elrod, 53. “The rental supervisor? Not as much.”
As couples continue to share a space, nesting can also provide uncomfortable insights into how the other spends their time outside. Leftover trash, used condoms, crumpled linens, unfamiliar cologne or perfume, scattered earrings, or excess wine and drinking glasses in the dish rack can be disruptive as partners try to stay on their own path.
According to Renee Turner, a New York divorce attorney, nesting adds another layer of cooperation with a partner from whom one is planning to separate.
“You have to develop a very detailed co-parenting plan,” Ms. Turner said. “And you have to ask yourself: What are your boundaries? Are you willing to pay for someone to clean the house so you don’t argue about it? There are a lot of things to consider and negotiate.”
But nesting prevents children from having to lug their clothes, sports equipment and school supplies between homes, and divorcing couples from arguing over who forgot to pack what.
“If your children’s lives are going smoothly, yours will be going smoothly,” Ms. Carver said.
Understand the exit plan
Beth Behrendt knows that their eleven-year breeding season is unusually long. Her former partner has full ownership of the original family home in Fort Wayne, Indiana, so she knows she likely won’t receive any proceeds after selling the home.
What has helped Ms. Behrendt, author of “Nesting After Divorce: Co-Parenting in the Family Home,” feel secure is a provision in her divorce agreement that requires 30 days’ notice if a parent wants to change the agreement.
“It gives you time to adjust and talk to friends and lawyers before reaching an agreement,” she said.
And once the house is sold, you can always take more time. Ms. Carver said the buyer of her Brooklyn home agreed to rent it back to the family for a few months so her children could finish the school year without interruption. Her oldest son, now in college, thanked her for the smooth transition.
“It really meant a lot to me,” Ms. Carver said.
Ms. Behrendt, 56, knows her time in the family home will soon come to an end, as her youngest of three children is now a high school student.
Past divorces, where one person fought to get the house, no longer need to be a guide, she said. “I’m glad I did it creatively and differently,” she said. “It’s surprising to see that there are so many ways to break up.”